Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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