new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
