my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
