saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Randomize
