I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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