Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
