I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
