I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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