My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
