Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
