i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
