Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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