Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You are the jesus of drinking
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
