just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
