i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
