if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
