Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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