I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
