all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
