remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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