Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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