There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
