in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
