I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
