did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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