She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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