I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize