I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
