WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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