But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
