STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
