did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
