I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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