Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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