I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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