You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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