Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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