So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
