I faked an abortion last night.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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