I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I could fuck to npr.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
