One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
