dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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