I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
