my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
