I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
