I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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