I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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