So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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