She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
