Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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