Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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