Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
